I'm constantly questioning how Henry's still standing after everything we've been through.
He's not a hero or a legend; he's just a guy who woke up one day and decided to wing it through medieval life like a drunk peasant falling off a horse.
But with heartfelt honesty, that’s what made him fit the bill for how I like my RPG men.
Henry is raw in the best way possible: he's a medieval fool with no prophecy on his shoulders, just dumb luck and the guts to face whatever life throws at him.
Unlike many RPG heroes already somewhat skilled, Henry starts as a guy who's lucky enough not to hit himself. This one time, I tried sneaking into a noble's estate, but instead of a smooth entry, Henry tripped over a bucket, and it went clattering down the hallway.
I freaked out and tried to save face by bluffing my way through—until Henry decided to whistle right in the middle of my pickpocket attempt, and I got caught right then and there. That's when I realized Henry couldn't sneak to save his life, and I might as well enjoy the mess.
I entered the wedding tournament hoping to win, but Henry was obliterated. What made it even better was finding out later that I beat the groom so badly that he showed up to his wedding, still covered in blood.
Nothing beats another one of Henry's wedding moments when he danced with a girl, acted like he was head over heels, and then went to bed with her. Only for her to tell him the next morning that the sex was awful. Henry, defeated, just had to stand there and take it. I saw some fans genuinely upset about it, but honestly, I thought it was hilarious because my man Henry deserved that one.
Henry's unhinged nature isn't about being a maniac; it's about how he constantly finds himself in situations that go sideways. He means well, but chaos seems to follow him everywhere.
I decided to do the drunken Cuman quest, expecting it to be a smooth and uncomplicated mission. Next thing I knew, Henry was absolutely hammered, belting out songs with the Cumans and somehow convincing them that he was one of them.
Things couldn't get worse, but then the Cuman I was supposed to deal with suddenly snapped awake and ran off to his camp. I was left there, drunk, confused, and clutching a stolen keg of booze, farting.
I pretty much spend my day bluffing my way out of a crime. In all his brilliance, the guard confronted me, and Henry attempted to pretend he was half-deaf from a battle wound. The guard hesitated briefly before shaking his head and fining me anyway.
Henry's excuses for committing crimes are a whole genre of comedy. "I was quite hungry." "It was self-defense; he was thinking about hitting me." My favorite was his attempt to explain why he looked inside someone's purse: "There was a bee on it."
Or that bar fight where Henry won and barely made it out alive. When he stepped outside, someone immediately asked if he wanted another round. As expected, Henry (battered, barely able to stand) just nodded and walked right back in.
If Henry had a personal creed, it would be "Hygiene is for the weak." I've played plenty of RPGs where characters get dirty, but Henry is offensively filthy.
One of my favorite moments was walking into a noble court after a long journey, looking (and smelling) like I had been dragged through a swamp. The noble pulled back, grimacing as he covered his nose and ordered Henry to leave until he at least washed his face.
Most RPGs let you ignore hygiene, but KCD 2 makes sure you feel it. I figured it was time to get Henry into the bathhouse to remove the stink and the judging eyes. But as soon as we stepped inside, every bathhouse worker froze in a T-pose. I quickly spun on my heel and walked out, thinking maybe Henry was too filthy even for them to deal with.
There was a time when Henry stood nearby while two NPCs were talking. One of them casually wondered what smelled so awful, and right on cue, the camera panned to Henry, just standing there smirking like he knew damn well it was him. No words were needed.
Henry's attempts at flirting are just as disastrous as everything else. My personal favorite was his utterly ridiculous justification for strangling a woman. When confronted, he panicked and blurted out, "Women love that!" It was so absurd that even the guards had to pause before deciding to let him go with just a warning.
And in perhaps his worst moment, Henry tried to translate between a Cuman and a woman he had a crush on despite not speaking a word of Hungarian. He managed to offend the woman on the Cuman's behalf, only to realize his blunder when he was swiftly punched in the face.
No matter how badly I wish I could forget his infamous line, I still can't get over him trying to woo someone by saying, "It's raining; we should have sex." That line's ridiculous, but it somehow worked—pure Henry rizz.
Henry's biggest enemy in this game isn't the Cumans or the guards. It's his own digestive system. The amount of times his farting has wrecked a moment is too many to count, yet I love them all.
I had this moment where I was tiptoeing through a guard camp, doing my best to stay off their radar. Just when I was about to make my escape, Henry blasted the loudest fart, waking up the guard right beside him. I made a break for it, but Henry, in all his brilliance, managed to trip on his own feet and crash face-first into the ground.
One of my best times was also when Henry, absolutely wasted, farted so hard during a conversation that the NPC stopped mid-sentence and walked away. This man is a walking biohazard.
In the pond scene, Henry stood there smirking while two women debated what smelled like absolute death, and sure enough, camera panned right to him. I was crying and laughing at the timing of it all.
He's the type to hit a fence head-on and walk away like it was no big deal. He's a medieval train wreck who keeps derailing in the most spectacular ways possible, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Most RPGs make you feel like a legendary hero, a chosen warrior destined to save the world. KCD 2 makes you feel like a guy who just got out of bed, put his pants on backward, and is now running from the guards because he "accidentally" punched a noble in the face.
Henry is what happens when you give an NPC main character energy. He is, at all times, one dumb decision away from making history—for all the wrong reasons.
Henry of Skalitz, you absolute disaster of a man—never change.